prelude I

My first book Quiet was about finding peace, and my third book Fuel is about what fuels us in life. 

It is very difficult to write this one because I want to keep it universal for all, yet relatable. This book recognizes the stubbornness and determination of artists who dared to express themselves and so I will do the same, tell you my story and express Fuel into a relatable subject that you may find yourself living through in life. 

I always found a passion in arts, it is at the age of 16 that I discovered the meaning of art. One where an image can represent emotions. How can we draw a gaze that tells and makes others feel emotions such as motivation, sadness, happiness, or even deeper emotions than these. Before that I was too young to understand what the word love meant and how it can fuel your life, also numb you in the craziest ways. 

That was the beginning of a self search. Being fuel is not only inner self but also from the outer self. We live in a world with multiple facets, many masks to put on, until the moment we decide to be truly ourselves and be fueled by our own truth. 

At a young age, I did not understand that. I lost myself completely with expectations. One adventure that set my life with joys, questions, but also later on heart aches because at a young age, you need to discover the world and many times, people do not necessarily stay with you for a lifetime. They come and they part. They influence you and they motivate you. Embracing that is a lesson in maturity. While it seems far away, the emotions are near, one I remind myself why I live in this world. If you are able to feel pain, then you are living, and you can fuel this pain into learning, into creating art and building masterpieces. 

It's easier said than done isn't it? Of course, you will probably cry, fall apart, maybe sit in your room and not want to talk to anyone, and eventually, this person will rise again, and decide to invest in herself and do the impossible. Part of it is anger, resentment, as to why isn't it always a happy story? Why are there burnt bridges and why is there longing? 

This is as old as the tale. Why do we keep looking for love when it keeps on hurting. And so, although friendships are great, supportive. Meeting someone who influences you to make positive changes in your life, one that fuels you completely, by breaking your mind, heart and body, is an honor. We tend to meet a few of these people in our lives. At some point, if you are lucky, you will meet someone who have the power to completely build up your world, but the other end of the sword is to also destroy it completely. 

While you are in the situation, it may not be pleasant, in fact terribly sad. But in hingsight, these experiences teach you something about yourself, makes you rethink your life, makes you think your worth and your ability to become a better version of yourself. These are experiences that pushes you to the maximum and when you step back and breathe... you've discovered yourself once more. 

The teenage years are bound to be filled with experiences like this. They determine the core of who you are, or who you will become. On my end, I met a highly intelligent friend who inspired me to do well in school. In hindsight, this fueled my grades, and allowed me to move forward in life with flying colors. There will also be a period of doubt, a kind of hesitation and a way for you to question whether you are doing right or wrong. As a teenage with less confidence or a questionable future, it's very difficult. Hang on it there, it gets better as you get older. 

In early adulthood, many choose to focus on their careers. The world has a way to tell you to build a family, have children, and often this becomes a hunt to find the one. The one person you will live with for the rest of your life. 

I chose to think differently, each of these have to be choices based on how comfortable you are with yourself first. Is it really the one? or will this move or change? Will this solve all of your issues? no. Absolutely not. Without knowing yourself first, no one can fix you. Self discovery is extremely useful and important. It avoids you losing yourself in the search of love that fuels your life. 

Then, at one point, when you feel very content with yourself and your life, at one point, you will start questioning everything! 

I started questioning everything and started to tackle all of the items that I did not complete. It may be a trip , a skill, a person. This is once again the ultimate test of who you are as a person, if you know yourself well, and you are steady, then the process of discovery becomes, although hurting, bearable. Diving into new relationships, linking with people who inspire you profoundly, not really knowing why but in your lifetime if you open your eyes, you may find one or two of those. 

Now what if the expectation was none. What if you just live your truth, one where you have the ability to stay calm, content with who you currently are and handle it. Then this relationship becomes a true choice between two people, whether they decide to hover into each others lives for a lifetime or to stay apart. 

This is for me living mature love, one where you do not lose yourself, but rather embrace the fuel this person gives you and provide them freedom to stay or leave. 

Fueling with love is one we fall down, cry, eat a pot of ice cream, watch some tv, and eventually get back up on your own feet to tackle the world again. And if you get up and realize you've acquired some killer skills at the same time, then you thank that person for encouraging and supporting you.