Truth

What is truth? is it what society tells you to do the right thing? 

I find myself at a crossroad, and my brain aches from the contradiction. Just like movies, the storyline is often to be the generous person, to hurt yourself in order to protect others, when in fact, it makes absolutely no sense. 

Self 

If you are hurting yourself for a lifetime, how does that even make logical sense? Why would you endure pain? 

So why don't we start thinking about the ME, yes, be selfish and think of the ME, what do you really want? 

Is it that ice cream? 

Is it this person who you are truly in love with but you can't be with? 

Is it this life of independence one where a quiet room gives you so much more peace than children running around? 

Or is it in fact a life filled with noise because that's what makes you happy? 

It is different for everyone. 

What is it that YOU want, not what you think is best and neither is it what you think is the right thing to do. That's complete bullshit. 

Let me share, I want my independence, but I also like a noisy home with people at the same time, I want to be close to a person but not too close because we each have our lives and our freedom and that's okay. 

So in the traditional sense it sounds bizerk! Wait! Aren't you suppose to be happily married , cooking in the kitchen and be happy with that sulky mundane life? No! I can also have control over my life, be the most ambitious person, become an artist, run a global company, be the most passionate, perfectionist teacher I want to be with the highest standards. 

I am free to roam to whatever my heart takes me, yes this is the precious and wild life we are talking about. It is okay that you are wild, wild with imagination because it is only then that these imaginative dreams or wishes become real! 

So here we go, let's go back in time and see what I did right, and what could potential go wrong and maybe this will motivate you to get off the couch and start being productive. 

Ill start my life when I was a teenager because before that it is irrelevant, or maybe it is. Well at the age of 5, I asked my mother when can I take the subway by myself, she was a bit shocked by my independence. Mind you, my daughter says the same thing today and I will probably let her, but Ill absolutely be following her secretly. 

At the age of 14, I was unhappy, my family was all disorganized, violent and chaotic. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, having the inspiration to cook a hamburger, with onions wrapped inside, I saw it in a movie and it inspired me. My little brother was also my guinea pig, I'd set him up on the table , just like a restaurant and I will serve him my food. 

At this young age, I already thought a lot, perhaps it came from pain, being attuned to the environment I lived in and not being able to get out of it. My happy place was the grocery store down the street. It was a place where I would steal money from my father's golf set, a few bucks and had the freedom to buy anything I wanted at the store. 

I was stuck, no where to go, living with violence all the time, I didn't have friends who had the patience to hear me, so I never bothered explaining myself. Why I had bruises and why I was so messed up. 

Along the way, I met a few good friends, some who just sat beside me and just felt my pain, my struggles. They encouraged me to do my homework properly even though I didn't feel like it. They distracted me with stories, jokes, and knew deep down, even though I was smiling, I wasn't happy. I was stuck. 

Was this my predicament? My life? Is that it? If I wanted to keep people happy, I'd have to obey, and that means to erase my thoughts, to be mindless, soulless, and powerless. To submit to beliefs of what a daughter, a girl, a woman should look like. To agree with what these big guns say and never reply with my opinion, just agree. The father figure was complex, he was also stuck, he showed me a lot and taught me many things, but his heart was not in the right place, he, was also stuck in a place he did not belong in. He is an explosive man, with a lot of ambition, but he was stuck in a setting, stuck between what society wants him to be like and what he truly wants to be like. 

So let me ask, why , at a young age, do we instill the concept of a happy marriage to people? Why is it that that's the main goal, that's the life you should aim for because you will be happy if you are happily married with children, a house, a car. 

Let's flip the conversation, perhaps that's not what it should be. You will not be teased for having a life on your own, however, you are the one who is in control of making these choices. YOU. Falling in love with someone you see a future with, or just a period of time in your life is reasonable. Having the realization that you need to be fully yourself before you can support and love someone else fully is also reasonable. No one will fix you if you aren't fully yourself and willing to learn and grow . No one. 

Wanting children, yes, but no one ever told us that having children comes with a lot of responsibilities. The moment lives at dependent on yours, you will be tied, and that's okay if you enjoy it and choose to have it, however, if it is not something you are passionate about and want to nurture, don't. It avoids growing children without true love. 

I see some mothers and fathers truly love their children, they pour everything to nurture them and this energy is incredibly beautiful. On the other hand, some parents are much more active seeking their own careers, moving up the ladder and offset the care of their children to other people. 

It is also possible to want both, and be able to take care of both, there are many powerhouse woman and men who take care fully of their children and thrive in their careers, they can take it without burning out but these rare individuals often channel their energy very efficiently, they've found truth in themselves at the moment. 

So what is it that you want? Make sure this choice is fueled by your consciousness and your self discovery first. You can only make a choice that you truly want, otherwise you've made the choice to suffer. Suffer through the choice of someone else, for example, you fall in love with someone who wants a family, but you don't. That becomes a dilemma. 

When there are dilemmas, communication helps, communication, sitting together and talking it out solves the misalignment. Maybe the resolution is to focus on your career, and biologically birth the babies and be clear about that. 

Steadiness

The concept of being there for someone comes with a lot of love, it comes from the willingness to be there for someone regardless of circumstances because love preceeds it all. 

What does it mean? If you love someone, then they are not to much. You somehow find yourself analyze every possible detail, curiously trying to figure out who is this person? Why are they the way they are. And often a shyness to bluntly ask. 

When you love someone, whatever they do, in the face of the public, some people may judge to be annoying, too much, excessive, becomes just adorable for you. 

It's a state of awe, a state that makes you daydream. That's why people say when you are in love, you are glowing from the inside and you gain a hint of rose color on your cheeks. Because the heart is glowing through you. Isn't it beautiful? 

Don't we all seek for these moments? 

Those who seek, find. 

Too often, the unexpected, maybe isnt as unexpected afterall, it is probably because it was lacking in the first place. Maybe it is the feeling of flatness. I can't emptiness because you aren't empty, you are full of yourself already, but flatness. Imagine the routine life hits , and you are an ambitious person looking for the next experience or the next challenge. Flat. You will flat. 

You age wondering what's the next feeling I will receive, what's the next pulse , or what's that next OMG! moment that blows your mind? And you keep seeking for it. Almost seeking for the impossible to happen. 

Maybe that's why people say, a lot of love is unexpected, humans are complex, and we live a very short life to think that we have time. We definitely dont. If you are a person who lives fully, time is your biggest enemy because before you know it, you will be 70 years old with the heart of a 20 years old and the body starts to fail you. As my good friends say, it sucks! 

At a younger age, you waste time, thinking you have an eternity. At an older age, you move forward so quickly because you want to enjoy your experiences as much as you can. 

 

Control  

Two things, control of someone, and control of a situation. 

Can you control love? Can you control how another person feels about you? No. You absolutely cannot. That's why music, songs, art all become a channel to pour these emotions of wonder, of loss, of anger into tangible forms. 

Imagine someone poured everything they have for you, but you only see them as a friend. It sucks, but that happens a lot. Perhaps this person does not think the values, philosophy align with them at the moment. Reactions can be distant and the best thing someone can do for you is to tell you as early as they can sense it. 

Imagine someone poured everything they have to show you they care, and you feel the same, but you hesitate. The same conclusion will happen, pain and wonder will be caused, so in this case, timeliness will catch the fire before it is gone. 

And Imagine someone poured everything to show you they love, you do everything right and respond to them, to later realize in a few years that you no longer align. That's also a possibility. 

Nothing is forever, but every single experience, with clarity makes your heart feel better. I cannot dare hurting someone I love, as well as someone I do not love. So I communicate, and I tell them directly without playing games. 

It is courtesy. 

Doesn't this make life a bit simpler? Doesn't it make your heart move better when you live with honesty and integrity? 

Avoidance 

Avoiding a situation often comes with reflection, uncertainty, and hesitation due to external values or optics. That is perfectly fine, taking your time to make decision, to really analyze how to move forward, to navigate all of the possibilities and it may take a long time, but it's okay. The right person will wait. And if that person isnt waiting anymore, then it wasn't meant to be for you anyway. 

 

Flow like water, sand will also adjust, the flow of water comes and go and if you are meant to be together, it will draw you back in. 

The hard part is to live through the day to day struggles or not seeing what will the future look like. 

You may be afraid to lose someone, and to think that if I don't take the opportunity, I may lose this person I am really fond of. 

That's true. Some people are not meant to be in your life for long, but to teach you about growth. 

Although the right people will come to you, stay even if you freak out, they will stay and listen and be there for you in whichever form it is. 

At a young age, you wonder what will life look like, uncertainty, pressure. Fear, lack of confidence, you do not know if you will live happily. 

That was part of my own experience, although if I can reassure you, it is not by doing nothing that you grow. Pains and Joys, meeting people, falling in love makes you grow as a person. But you need to be willing to learn, to be open to that. 

Everything will be alright. The short term missing someone can be enormous , but rest assure that the right person will always find their way back to you through out life. And perhaps, you may find another right person who heals you. 

We panic a lot with loss, with immediacy, that's often a sign of scarcity, you are afraid you will never find someone as perfect as they are. Perhaps let's flip the mindset, what if, the person will never find someone as perfect as YOU are. 

Doesn't this give you both the permission to focus on yourself and consciously make the choice to be in each other's lives? 

It's hard, I know to think many years ahead. I can only tell you until now 39 years old. But I am looking forward to the next years to come, I wonder what kind of adventures, what kind of lessons I will learn, who I will meet. 

So if you are in your 20s, or 30s, think of your own growth, become the most unmistakably beautiful human being you can be and assure yourself that those who see you, will be fighting to be with you. But it starts with YOU. 

Walk into a room, and radiate, are you who you have always wanted to be? Are you dressed because you want to show who YOU are? or are you dressed because you want to please others? Is this self expression or vanity? 

I must say, social media and digital tools don't help with self esteem, you have a little belly and on instagram everyone has a 6 pack. Let me tell you, if you know your truth and you are comfortable with yourself, you just slammed the comparison. 

The definition of beauty

Beauty is your own definition, beauty fits society's standard, underweight, overworked, appearances. Whichever definition you take, if you truly are comfortable with it, then it is your definition of beauty. 

I used have nutritional problems, underweight, fluctuating, not eating. Made sense.